How many times does it take?

Back...

irritable and in pain. negative and anti-everything i should be.

how long does it take messing up in order to move on? how long does one have to suffer through shit storm after shit storm before saying..enough already...fuck this..i'm moving on? How many people have to not give a shit...how many signs have to tell me that "you are fucking this up in every possible way so just stop it!"....how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, break in half, lose every possibility of dignity I have in myself and mind?

obviously, a whole fucking lot. I can't seem to just straighten up...listen to the advice in my HEAD, make myself work out. Is it possible I am afraid to get better? is it possible I'm afraid of a real life? of not complaining, of being on my own, of not sleeping all day or thinking of my next advil or fucking tylenol?

I'm so pissed at myself...all the time..I don't love myself..AT ALL. That pisses me off..the not loving myself. I know I have to start there.

I'm so agitated I can't finish this fucking blog.

I don't like swearing this much.

all has gone to hell...agaiin

Not sure how to put my last couple weeks in perspective. I have been on a search for antidepressant/pain meds for months now..and have basically made it my life's purpose. I have missed tons of work due to back pain/leg pain/medication reactions/anxiety/virus..you name it..i've had it.

So, I'm right now on my week off work...that was basically suggested by my bosses due to my constant absences at work. I went to my useless dr. and he prescribed elavil for the pain..and something else I cannot take. I have taken elavil before and dont remember if I had any issues with it.

This time...like everything else..It has made me feel worse. I am going off it..taking the next 2 days to get it out of my system and have decided i will have to live with my back pain...somehow...manage it naturally.

I've had a terrible dr. that is not competent at all..he makes me feel like a joke..my work thinks I'm a joke and my parents are tired of me sitting around getting worse.

I admit I haven't tried enough.

Depression: It's a sneaky little bugger

I have a psych degree....which means..in my mind..that I am somehow impenetrable to the depression "bug"...but I have to say...I has bitten me...I've had it for ages..and I've ignored it for the most part.

My depression has introduced itself in the form of physical illness...every sort of physical illness known to freaking man...except...there is nothing wrong with me. other than being depressed. I've conjured up illnesses that may not even exist..I think a headache is a brain tumor...a sore leg is MS...heartburn..is cardiac arrest.

I am off work a lot...only because I think myself sick..so I can not deal with work and stay home. It's crazy...cause I stay home and get sicker. or so I think.

So tomorrow I start back to work..before the dr said to start back..he diagnosed me with a virus...from one achy leg and tiredness. He's not the best dr. He's great for writing out every script known to man..anything I say..he writes it..so that's nice. I guess.

My new found way to deal with depression is to take Wellbutrin...only took it 3 days so nothing yet..took in past and meh..i dunno. AND detachment. I hate my work SO much that I just have to pretend the people aren't real...the environment is fake..I'm just there so I get enough to pay bills and now..to go to Maui in May.

Yes..I am poor, depressed, sick all the time and going to Maui in May....here's the kicker. I'm going Alone..I've traveled all my life alone. I used to be normal...never took even a Tylenol and traveled my ass off...and had fun. I need that person back. So i feel that going to a place that I have to be responsible for traveling again..may wake ME up. Let's hope so..cause the medical community run out of diseases for me to think I have soon.

so I'll update on my most likely rotten day at work tomorrow..let's hope they don't can me. If I was them I'd find a way..I suck at even showing up. But when I show up and work...I actually do work...however, for the most part...thing is...they suck at paying a good wage..so I suck at caring about the work I do. So i do the work without caring at all. Which is the way it normally is for people getting shitty wages. I don't care SO much that I refuse to insure a parcel of returned items to a vendor for credit. In the words of the post office lady (who i know so she can swear) "You don't want to insure this do ya? cause I know you don't give a sweet fuck if it every even gets there." I said "Truer words were never spoken."

Here's to getting out of bed tomorrow morning. Here's to not getting fired. Here's to hoping the day flies by like a manic outburst. Let's hope that, at the very least, I can detach enough and be devoid of human emotion enough to not give a shit about what everyone there thinks of me right now...or to ignore my boss's snarky passive agressive comments. If I can get by doing that...I will have won. Something. something.

Jan10/10, Maui, Wellbutrin...

So, I booked a trip to Maui..just like that..yep..I have no money..did it anyway..didn't even run it by work...cause I hate my work. I guess It will just go on my mastercard...cause I need this vacation to get my old self back...see if i still have "me" in me.

I started Wellbutrin SR again today...i was on it years ago..already I have to say things are a tad better...so we will see how the week goes.

Jan 2: No Stars

Well 2010 is here...it's windy and rainy and my tummy aches :(

What's new right?

Anyway..my first 2 days of this new year weren't the best...I felt crappy as I wrote yesterday BUT I did get for a walk and that felt, as always, GREAT. Everything normalizes when I walk. You would think this would get my butt to the gym but it hasn't..yet.

So i did awful today food wise. I ate 5 chocolates again at work :( and I had crap tonight after my non south beach diet supper.

I think it's in the back of my mind to start Monday rather than this weekend.

I still have high hopes. I CAN do this. I really really WANT this...More than anything I want in this life right now.

I plan on Hot Yoga for Monday still...even if I have a hot flash I still plan on going and trying my best.

Right now it's hard to walk on my feet..I feel so heavy, my ankles and knees actually hurt!

I'm about 5'3 and a half and i'm at least 160lbs...which is alot..I should be no more than 130...

It's amazing how extra weight affects me...some can handle it..I cannot.my frame can't take it. I have to lose this.

Jan 1, 2010!!

Very excited to be able to write Jan 1, 2010....but I feel like crap..headache, leg ache...i might as well be hungover! haha.

However, still a good day...cause its a new year and the start of a brand new life! :)