How many times does it take?

Back...

irritable and in pain. negative and anti-everything i should be.

how long does it take messing up in order to move on? how long does one have to suffer through shit storm after shit storm before saying..enough already...fuck this..i'm moving on? How many people have to not give a shit...how many signs have to tell me that "you are fucking this up in every possible way so just stop it!"....how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, break in half, lose every possibility of dignity I have in myself and mind?

obviously, a whole fucking lot. I can't seem to just straighten up...listen to the advice in my HEAD, make myself work out. Is it possible I am afraid to get better? is it possible I'm afraid of a real life? of not complaining, of being on my own, of not sleeping all day or thinking of my next advil or fucking tylenol?

I'm so pissed at myself...all the time..I don't love myself..AT ALL. That pisses me off..the not loving myself. I know I have to start there.

I'm so agitated I can't finish this fucking blog.

I don't like swearing this much.

all has gone to hell...agaiin

Not sure how to put my last couple weeks in perspective. I have been on a search for antidepressant/pain meds for months now..and have basically made it my life's purpose. I have missed tons of work due to back pain/leg pain/medication reactions/anxiety/virus..you name it..i've had it.

So, I'm right now on my week off work...that was basically suggested by my bosses due to my constant absences at work. I went to my useless dr. and he prescribed elavil for the pain..and something else I cannot take. I have taken elavil before and dont remember if I had any issues with it.

This time...like everything else..It has made me feel worse. I am going off it..taking the next 2 days to get it out of my system and have decided i will have to live with my back pain...somehow...manage it naturally.

I've had a terrible dr. that is not competent at all..he makes me feel like a joke..my work thinks I'm a joke and my parents are tired of me sitting around getting worse.

I admit I haven't tried enough.

Depression: It's a sneaky little bugger

I have a psych degree....which means..in my mind..that I am somehow impenetrable to the depression "bug"...but I have to say...I has bitten me...I've had it for ages..and I've ignored it for the most part.

My depression has introduced itself in the form of physical illness...every sort of physical illness known to freaking man...except...there is nothing wrong with me. other than being depressed. I've conjured up illnesses that may not even exist..I think a headache is a brain tumor...a sore leg is MS...heartburn..is cardiac arrest.

I am off work a lot...only because I think myself sick..so I can not deal with work and stay home. It's crazy...cause I stay home and get sicker. or so I think.

So tomorrow I start back to work..before the dr said to start back..he diagnosed me with a virus...from one achy leg and tiredness. He's not the best dr. He's great for writing out every script known to man..anything I say..he writes it..so that's nice. I guess.

My new found way to deal with depression is to take Wellbutrin...only took it 3 days so nothing yet..took in past and meh..i dunno. AND detachment. I hate my work SO much that I just have to pretend the people aren't real...the environment is fake..I'm just there so I get enough to pay bills and now..to go to Maui in May.

Yes..I am poor, depressed, sick all the time and going to Maui in May....here's the kicker. I'm going Alone..I've traveled all my life alone. I used to be normal...never took even a Tylenol and traveled my ass off...and had fun. I need that person back. So i feel that going to a place that I have to be responsible for traveling again..may wake ME up. Let's hope so..cause the medical community run out of diseases for me to think I have soon.

so I'll update on my most likely rotten day at work tomorrow..let's hope they don't can me. If I was them I'd find a way..I suck at even showing up. But when I show up and work...I actually do work...however, for the most part...thing is...they suck at paying a good wage..so I suck at caring about the work I do. So i do the work without caring at all. Which is the way it normally is for people getting shitty wages. I don't care SO much that I refuse to insure a parcel of returned items to a vendor for credit. In the words of the post office lady (who i know so she can swear) "You don't want to insure this do ya? cause I know you don't give a sweet fuck if it every even gets there." I said "Truer words were never spoken."

Here's to getting out of bed tomorrow morning. Here's to not getting fired. Here's to hoping the day flies by like a manic outburst. Let's hope that, at the very least, I can detach enough and be devoid of human emotion enough to not give a shit about what everyone there thinks of me right now...or to ignore my boss's snarky passive agressive comments. If I can get by doing that...I will have won. Something. something.

Jan10/10, Maui, Wellbutrin...

So, I booked a trip to Maui..just like that..yep..I have no money..did it anyway..didn't even run it by work...cause I hate my work. I guess It will just go on my mastercard...cause I need this vacation to get my old self back...see if i still have "me" in me.

I started Wellbutrin SR again today...i was on it years ago..already I have to say things are a tad better...so we will see how the week goes.

Jan 2: No Stars

Well 2010 is here...it's windy and rainy and my tummy aches :(

What's new right?

Anyway..my first 2 days of this new year weren't the best...I felt crappy as I wrote yesterday BUT I did get for a walk and that felt, as always, GREAT. Everything normalizes when I walk. You would think this would get my butt to the gym but it hasn't..yet.

So i did awful today food wise. I ate 5 chocolates again at work :( and I had crap tonight after my non south beach diet supper.

I think it's in the back of my mind to start Monday rather than this weekend.

I still have high hopes. I CAN do this. I really really WANT this...More than anything I want in this life right now.

I plan on Hot Yoga for Monday still...even if I have a hot flash I still plan on going and trying my best.

Right now it's hard to walk on my feet..I feel so heavy, my ankles and knees actually hurt!

I'm about 5'3 and a half and i'm at least 160lbs...which is alot..I should be no more than 130...

It's amazing how extra weight affects me...some can handle it..I cannot.my frame can't take it. I have to lose this.

Jan 1, 2010!!

Very excited to be able to write Jan 1, 2010....but I feel like crap..headache, leg ache...i might as well be hungover! haha.

However, still a good day...cause its a new year and the start of a brand new life! :)

Dec 31, 2009. "what will it cost me"

It seems I've been waiting for this day to come...or tomorrow to be more exact. All week, actually even before Christmas I kept thinking it was January...cause...man...isn't it OVER yet? I would look at bread marked Dec.30 and think it's old...this was on the 24th! So, I guess subconsciously I've been wanting 2010 to get here already.

Maybe it's because I know it will be good...anything can beat 09...well not anything..I am VERY blessed to be alive right now and in fair health..with both of my parents downstairs and my cat wandering about the house. I couldn't be luckier actually...I have my health, family and a roof over my head...and If I did learn one thing this year...at my job, I seem to loathe and dread each day...it IS that It Can Always Be Worse...so Count Your Lucky Stars and Give Gratitude....and I am grateful...

09 was a challenging year....I had to give in and move home from a city I now realize...I loved..and move back in with Mom and Dad. At the time, It was the only move I think I was mentally able to make. I was constantly sick (still struggling) and depressed and lonely. I talked to them every night by phone and I think they really were my own salvation. I still haven't dealt with how depressed I was...and the effect that has had on me.."or what it has cost me". I say that in quotes because my Father made a random statement last night about somebody and how they had to take a lot of drugs etc....or something like that and he said..the person is fine now..but who knows what it "cost him". I never thought of life in that regard I guess.

I had a drug issue with pain pills..(mild narcotic) for my back...and well I damn well know the effect they had on me and am certain I may not be here to type this had I not given them up...( clean from them since June 26, so 6 mos). I had heart issues, and mental issues, and stomach issues galore. It took a long time but I'm getting back on track..finally. I still have some issues..health wise..but have realized...who doesn't??? and really..I AM going to be just fine..and my big health issue to deal with is to get over...my health issues!

Anyway..I plan to go into 2010 with the thought in mind.."if I do this, what will it cost me?".

If I eat sugar in excess....i may like the taste for 10 seconds, but WHAT will that cost me down the road..maybe in an hour?

If I take a demerol or even pills of any kind when I know I need to detox my system for it to even know what to do on its own....What will that cost me for that few hours of relief?

As you can see....pills and food are my main issues. I am not on any strong pills...but being I come from a holistic background, I really want to live the way I KNOW is best. Practice what I preach. Be proud of the way I live and help others heal and live the same health wise.

I have spent money too much this year..I have researched way too many diseases, I have tried way too many anti depressants...all only one pill before giving up. I have basically been living a lie for a year.

What have I learned from all this shit?

I am mentally not right..I am depressed, I have anxiety issues...

I am in need of a huge detox that will be very hard and will take a lot of time and until I do that..I will not ever be healthy fully...to the extent I can.

I will never get over Pepe's death. I will cry each and every time I think her name, or see her face.

I absolutely have all the tools I need to lose the weight I gained. All I have to do is use them.

I can be anything and anyone I want to be, but I have to TRY. I have to take action. I have to have passion and take action on my passion...otherwise I might as well just give up like so many do. .. which is NOT who I am..and I need to start realizing that...

I don't need a tylenol for a belly ache. I can prevent a belly ache by NOT eating shit! I do not need an advil for my back, I can try a cream or I can lose the weight and strengthen my stomach so my back is not sore. I can strengthen my core.

I don't have to be afraid of the YOGA world. They will not bite me, or hate me, or even really give 2 shits about me. If I look stupid, fat and ridiculous, they probably won't notice. And soon, I'll not look stupid, fat and ridiculous..I'll look like an Yogi. But I HAVE to actually show up at YOGA FIRST!!!

I am a complete cop out piece of shit friend. ... and If I ever WANT a fucking social life, then maybe I should actually treat friends like they mean something too me. I treat them like shit cause I assume they will treat me like shit or turn on me someday. I have no good reason to think this. Yes people are shitty and yes, they sometimes turn on you...but does that mean I just don't have friends, that I just don't go out? It shouldn't. I can have friends and still be a cool loner. I can join a group or take a class to meet people and that is OKAY..if not commended. I can meet people online and then in person and that's okay too. Do It Jaime.

Many many other things have been shown to me this year. A lot of things I don't like about myself....but it all comes down to me not living the life I came here to live. My soul is literally in turmoil...because it is screaming for me to stop being so afraid of what others may think or do...and just BE who I set out to be. Who I worked hard to be and let go like it was a feather or fleeting moment.

So, all of this...facade....IS costing me something...My Life..in every way, shape and form.

I don't know why i thought I could coast through life and think...."whatever...i'll just do whatever, treat friends like shit, stay home, let anxiety ruin me...that's cool..i'm sick..I can't be any other way".

that's a fucking victim...and I've allowed myself to be a victim for years...I've given into everything I know that is wrong..I've tried to hurt myself...knowingly....almost like I would get extra needed help if I was extra fucked up....but that's NOT how it works is it? We help ourselves....we can't run around emotionally and physically abusing ourselves, being shitty friends,not respecting family and expect life to work out. We can't talk about working out and eating right so that we don't DIE of a heart attack and NOT do it and somehow still not die of a heart attack.

It's simple logic...how did I ever miss this?

What's it gonna cost me? Nothing. Because I am done being a poser in my own life. I'm done letting this scared version of myself take over.....my ego will not prevail anymore. I will let my soul prevail. I will help it come out. I will do what i KNOW is necessary to Be the Change. What I do will not be stressful because it is right. It is finally right and I am finally going to do it and finally I am going to live the best life I can.

This could be a lot of smoke blown up your ass, my ass....or it could be the start of something beautiful. I could just go back to the disciplined person I know I can be and be the best I can be. I could just do what I want and go where I want because it could be fun rather than thinking about it and not going. I CAN do all this. It's what I am meant to do.

I am looking forward to you 2010. I've been waiting for you for too long. I love you and you love me. Let's take all my passions and put them in action. Let's create new passions. Let's heal some lives. Let's meet some amazing people. Let's travel and be well all over again. Let's laugh and be the social butterfly YOU ARE. Let's Do It. Let's make sure this year doesn't cost us a thing....let's make sure we profit from it in every way possible.