Dec 31, 2009. "what will it cost me"

It seems I've been waiting for this day to come...or tomorrow to be more exact. All week, actually even before Christmas I kept thinking it was January...cause...man...isn't it OVER yet? I would look at bread marked Dec.30 and think it's old...this was on the 24th! So, I guess subconsciously I've been wanting 2010 to get here already.

Maybe it's because I know it will be good...anything can beat 09...well not anything..I am VERY blessed to be alive right now and in fair health..with both of my parents downstairs and my cat wandering about the house. I couldn't be luckier actually...I have my health, family and a roof over my head...and If I did learn one thing this year...at my job, I seem to loathe and dread each day...it IS that It Can Always Be Worse...so Count Your Lucky Stars and Give Gratitude....and I am grateful...

09 was a challenging year....I had to give in and move home from a city I now realize...I loved..and move back in with Mom and Dad. At the time, It was the only move I think I was mentally able to make. I was constantly sick (still struggling) and depressed and lonely. I talked to them every night by phone and I think they really were my own salvation. I still haven't dealt with how depressed I was...and the effect that has had on me.."or what it has cost me". I say that in quotes because my Father made a random statement last night about somebody and how they had to take a lot of drugs etc....or something like that and he said..the person is fine now..but who knows what it "cost him". I never thought of life in that regard I guess.

I had a drug issue with pain pills..(mild narcotic) for my back...and well I damn well know the effect they had on me and am certain I may not be here to type this had I not given them up...( clean from them since June 26, so 6 mos). I had heart issues, and mental issues, and stomach issues galore. It took a long time but I'm getting back on track..finally. I still have some issues..health wise..but have realized...who doesn't??? and really..I AM going to be just fine..and my big health issue to deal with is to get over...my health issues!

Anyway..I plan to go into 2010 with the thought in mind.."if I do this, what will it cost me?".

If I eat sugar in excess....i may like the taste for 10 seconds, but WHAT will that cost me down the road..maybe in an hour?

If I take a demerol or even pills of any kind when I know I need to detox my system for it to even know what to do on its own....What will that cost me for that few hours of relief?

As you can see....pills and food are my main issues. I am not on any strong pills...but being I come from a holistic background, I really want to live the way I KNOW is best. Practice what I preach. Be proud of the way I live and help others heal and live the same health wise.

I have spent money too much this year..I have researched way too many diseases, I have tried way too many anti depressants...all only one pill before giving up. I have basically been living a lie for a year.

What have I learned from all this shit?

I am mentally not right..I am depressed, I have anxiety issues...

I am in need of a huge detox that will be very hard and will take a lot of time and until I do that..I will not ever be healthy fully...to the extent I can.

I will never get over Pepe's death. I will cry each and every time I think her name, or see her face.

I absolutely have all the tools I need to lose the weight I gained. All I have to do is use them.

I can be anything and anyone I want to be, but I have to TRY. I have to take action. I have to have passion and take action on my passion...otherwise I might as well just give up like so many do. .. which is NOT who I am..and I need to start realizing that...

I don't need a tylenol for a belly ache. I can prevent a belly ache by NOT eating shit! I do not need an advil for my back, I can try a cream or I can lose the weight and strengthen my stomach so my back is not sore. I can strengthen my core.

I don't have to be afraid of the YOGA world. They will not bite me, or hate me, or even really give 2 shits about me. If I look stupid, fat and ridiculous, they probably won't notice. And soon, I'll not look stupid, fat and ridiculous..I'll look like an Yogi. But I HAVE to actually show up at YOGA FIRST!!!

I am a complete cop out piece of shit friend. ... and If I ever WANT a fucking social life, then maybe I should actually treat friends like they mean something too me. I treat them like shit cause I assume they will treat me like shit or turn on me someday. I have no good reason to think this. Yes people are shitty and yes, they sometimes turn on you...but does that mean I just don't have friends, that I just don't go out? It shouldn't. I can have friends and still be a cool loner. I can join a group or take a class to meet people and that is OKAY..if not commended. I can meet people online and then in person and that's okay too. Do It Jaime.

Many many other things have been shown to me this year. A lot of things I don't like about myself....but it all comes down to me not living the life I came here to live. My soul is literally in turmoil...because it is screaming for me to stop being so afraid of what others may think or do...and just BE who I set out to be. Who I worked hard to be and let go like it was a feather or fleeting moment.

So, all of this...facade....IS costing me something...My Life..in every way, shape and form.

I don't know why i thought I could coast through life and think...."whatever...i'll just do whatever, treat friends like shit, stay home, let anxiety ruin me...that's cool..i'm sick..I can't be any other way".

that's a fucking victim...and I've allowed myself to be a victim for years...I've given into everything I know that is wrong..I've tried to hurt myself...knowingly....almost like I would get extra needed help if I was extra fucked up....but that's NOT how it works is it? We help ourselves....we can't run around emotionally and physically abusing ourselves, being shitty friends,not respecting family and expect life to work out. We can't talk about working out and eating right so that we don't DIE of a heart attack and NOT do it and somehow still not die of a heart attack.

It's simple logic...how did I ever miss this?

What's it gonna cost me? Nothing. Because I am done being a poser in my own life. I'm done letting this scared version of myself take over.....my ego will not prevail anymore. I will let my soul prevail. I will help it come out. I will do what i KNOW is necessary to Be the Change. What I do will not be stressful because it is right. It is finally right and I am finally going to do it and finally I am going to live the best life I can.

This could be a lot of smoke blown up your ass, my ass....or it could be the start of something beautiful. I could just go back to the disciplined person I know I can be and be the best I can be. I could just do what I want and go where I want because it could be fun rather than thinking about it and not going. I CAN do all this. It's what I am meant to do.

I am looking forward to you 2010. I've been waiting for you for too long. I love you and you love me. Let's take all my passions and put them in action. Let's create new passions. Let's heal some lives. Let's meet some amazing people. Let's travel and be well all over again. Let's laugh and be the social butterfly YOU ARE. Let's Do It. Let's make sure this year doesn't cost us a thing....let's make sure we profit from it in every way possible.

Dec 29= NO STARS= 0

Southbeach diet.


ate ...hmmmm 5 chocolates at work and 2 here at home...7 chocolates and 1 cookie today.

my main meals were excellent however..and i bought pgx to keep my blood sugar stable...i'll do better tomorrow...it's so hard with so much around these days!

I don't want to go out NYE...argh.

5 stars equals no screw ups
4 stars equals carbs..bad ones
3 stars equals chocolate
2 stars equals cookie
1 star equals 2-3 chocolates or cookies.

December 26....09....starting new now

Well, it's STILL 2009....can't say it was a wonderful year. However, my family and I made it out alive so I am grateful and blessed to be able to say that much....Let's see if I can sum it up in point form:

• high lipase
• great expectations
• no social life
• sick
• depression
• Mother's hospital stay...intended....scary stuff that happened to her: unintended.
• getting off painkillers after mother scary stuff
• job stress...feeling literally shit on day after day.
• huge weight gain...20 or more pounds
• loss of self esteem completely
• more hermit hood ensues
• phone call midnight, Grandfather in pain, hospitalized.
• night of said call....seen Father drunk. First time. WORLD is broken.
• Papa tries everything to bust out of hospital..nothing short of throwing canes and punching attendees.
• I think the above is just awesome.
• I do more research on antidepressants than most do for a masters thesis
• I take a few here and there and then decide I'll never touch another again..just like every other med I have an affair with...this is a commitment issue I welcome.
  
• finally see Robin. Run away.
• reconnect with some friends...chase others away.
• make plans to move back to Halifax...but tell nobody..plans are mostly in my mind.
• Christmas approaches.
• I LOWERED my fucking lipase and am the Goddess of health and healing now.
• Christmas over...
• stabbing pain..I think gallstones are possible.
• I start a blog.

So that's that...It was a good prep year I guess...I made some new friends at work, my health was awful on and off..but it seems on the up and up now. I just have to get rid of this pain in my side.

Realized I have major anxiety disorder....but hey..I'm on less ativan than I was...this is huge...

So you are wondering why my blog is called be the change when it's all about depression, drugs and hermithood?


Well...I AM GOING TO BE THE CHANGE I NEED TO SEE IN MYSELF. I'm yelling at myself..not you :)

So...To Be The Change...I have to do the following:

• not be the wimpy, never stand by my word, lazy, insecure asshole that I normally am.
• I have to actually do what I say I'm going to do.
• I have to stop being scared of people...to do this I must

• stop ripping my skin off my hands
• lose a lot of weight
• start HOT YOGA
• Not miss a class or screw up my diet or screw up my hands.

The rest will fall into place...the rest is:

• Social Life
• Financially sound enjoyable career/job.
• Happiness
• Place to call my own on my own
• Place to call my own with a family or boyfriend?

My new years intentions.....changes.....things I will God Damn do because If I don't than there is not much point in me writing a blog.....ARE:

1. Yoga
2. Lose weight
3. Stop biting fingers
4. Stop taking pills when not needed


I look forward to updating this .... I plan to make this a empowering blog...I will accomplish it all.

A note on how I am feeling now:

agitated and depressed, anxious, fat and insecure. I hate the person I've become, I'm embarrased of the things I do and don't do. I long for the days of old when I was a happy carefree girl who did what she wanted without worrying about a lipase level. I plan to find that girl and make her the best she can be.

By the end of the year I will be doing Hot Yoga once a week at least, I will be 130lbs, and I will be beautiful again. I will be planning on a big trip with a great guy and I will feel spiritually full.

Finally the year I will do this. Do i feel insecure saying this? Yes....but that will change. I will fake it to I make it. I will pretend all this comes natural until it does. I will force myself to take the yoga class and not give up. I will force myself to eat right. I will force myself to not bite my fingers. I will read more and go on facebook less. I will be more social even If i hate it...I will at least try.

This year will finally reap changes. I will stop preaching a bunch of great shit to others about how I am and actually be the CHANGE...I will stop saying I am going to change and just BE IT.

I will also get a tattoo that says Be The Change with a butterfly :)