How many times does it take?

Back...

irritable and in pain. negative and anti-everything i should be.

how long does it take messing up in order to move on? how long does one have to suffer through shit storm after shit storm before saying..enough already...fuck this..i'm moving on? How many people have to not give a shit...how many signs have to tell me that "you are fucking this up in every possible way so just stop it!"....how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, break in half, lose every possibility of dignity I have in myself and mind?

obviously, a whole fucking lot. I can't seem to just straighten up...listen to the advice in my HEAD, make myself work out. Is it possible I am afraid to get better? is it possible I'm afraid of a real life? of not complaining, of being on my own, of not sleeping all day or thinking of my next advil or fucking tylenol?

I'm so pissed at myself...all the time..I don't love myself..AT ALL. That pisses me off..the not loving myself. I know I have to start there.

I'm so agitated I can't finish this fucking blog.

I don't like swearing this much.