Depression: It's a sneaky little bugger

I have a psych degree....which means..in my mind..that I am somehow impenetrable to the depression "bug"...but I have to say...I has bitten me...I've had it for ages..and I've ignored it for the most part.

My depression has introduced itself in the form of physical illness...every sort of physical illness known to freaking man...except...there is nothing wrong with me. other than being depressed. I've conjured up illnesses that may not even exist..I think a headache is a brain tumor...a sore leg is MS...heartburn..is cardiac arrest.

I am off work a lot...only because I think myself sick..so I can not deal with work and stay home. It's crazy...cause I stay home and get sicker. or so I think.

So tomorrow I start back to work..before the dr said to start back..he diagnosed me with a virus...from one achy leg and tiredness. He's not the best dr. He's great for writing out every script known to man..anything I say..he writes it..so that's nice. I guess.

My new found way to deal with depression is to take Wellbutrin...only took it 3 days so nothing yet..took in past and meh..i dunno. AND detachment. I hate my work SO much that I just have to pretend the people aren't real...the environment is fake..I'm just there so I get enough to pay bills and now..to go to Maui in May.

Yes..I am poor, depressed, sick all the time and going to Maui in May....here's the kicker. I'm going Alone..I've traveled all my life alone. I used to be normal...never took even a Tylenol and traveled my ass off...and had fun. I need that person back. So i feel that going to a place that I have to be responsible for traveling again..may wake ME up. Let's hope so..cause the medical community run out of diseases for me to think I have soon.

so I'll update on my most likely rotten day at work tomorrow..let's hope they don't can me. If I was them I'd find a way..I suck at even showing up. But when I show up and work...I actually do work...however, for the most part...thing is...they suck at paying a good wage..so I suck at caring about the work I do. So i do the work without caring at all. Which is the way it normally is for people getting shitty wages. I don't care SO much that I refuse to insure a parcel of returned items to a vendor for credit. In the words of the post office lady (who i know so she can swear) "You don't want to insure this do ya? cause I know you don't give a sweet fuck if it every even gets there." I said "Truer words were never spoken."

Here's to getting out of bed tomorrow morning. Here's to not getting fired. Here's to hoping the day flies by like a manic outburst. Let's hope that, at the very least, I can detach enough and be devoid of human emotion enough to not give a shit about what everyone there thinks of me right now...or to ignore my boss's snarky passive agressive comments. If I can get by doing that...I will have won. Something. something.