Back...
irritable and in pain. negative and anti-everything i should be.
how long does it take messing up in order to move on? how long does one have to suffer through shit storm after shit storm before saying..enough already...fuck this..i'm moving on? How many people have to not give a shit...how many signs have to tell me that "you are fucking this up in every possible way so just stop it!"....how many times do i have to hit rock bottom, break in half, lose every possibility of dignity I have in myself and mind?
obviously, a whole fucking lot. I can't seem to just straighten up...listen to the advice in my HEAD, make myself work out. Is it possible I am afraid to get better? is it possible I'm afraid of a real life? of not complaining, of being on my own, of not sleeping all day or thinking of my next advil or fucking tylenol?
I'm so pissed at myself...all the time..I don't love myself..AT ALL. That pisses me off..the not loving myself. I know I have to start there.
I'm so agitated I can't finish this fucking blog.
I don't like swearing this much.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
all has gone to hell...agaiin
Not sure how to put my last couple weeks in perspective. I have been on a search for antidepressant/pain meds for months now..and have basically made it my life's purpose. I have missed tons of work due to back pain/leg pain/medication reactions/anxiety/virus..you name it..i've had it.
So, I'm right now on my week off work...that was basically suggested by my bosses due to my constant absences at work. I went to my useless dr. and he prescribed elavil for the pain..and something else I cannot take. I have taken elavil before and dont remember if I had any issues with it.
This time...like everything else..It has made me feel worse. I am going off it..taking the next 2 days to get it out of my system and have decided i will have to live with my back pain...somehow...manage it naturally.
I've had a terrible dr. that is not competent at all..he makes me feel like a joke..my work thinks I'm a joke and my parents are tired of me sitting around getting worse.
I admit I haven't tried enough.
So, I'm right now on my week off work...that was basically suggested by my bosses due to my constant absences at work. I went to my useless dr. and he prescribed elavil for the pain..and something else I cannot take. I have taken elavil before and dont remember if I had any issues with it.
This time...like everything else..It has made me feel worse. I am going off it..taking the next 2 days to get it out of my system and have decided i will have to live with my back pain...somehow...manage it naturally.
I've had a terrible dr. that is not competent at all..he makes me feel like a joke..my work thinks I'm a joke and my parents are tired of me sitting around getting worse.
I admit I haven't tried enough.
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