- high lipase
- great expectations
- no social life
- sick
- depression
- Mother's hospital stay...intended....scary stuff that happened to her: unintended.
- getting off painkillers after mother scary stuff
- job stress...feeling literally shit on day after day.
- huge weight gain...20 or more pounds
- loss of self esteem completely
- more hermit hood ensues
- phone call midnight, Grandfather in pain, hospitalized.
- night of said call....seen Father drunk. First time. WORLD is broken.
- Papa tries everything to bust out of hospital..nothing short of throwing canes and punching attendees.
- I think the above is just awesome.
- I do more research on antidepressants than most do for a masters thesis
- I take a few here and there and then decide I'll never touch another again..just like every other med I have an affair with...this is a commitment issue I welcome.
- finally see Robin. Run away.
- reconnect with some friends...chase others away.
- make plans to move back to Halifax...but tell nobody..plans are mostly in my mind.
- Christmas approaches.
- I LOWERED my fucking lipase and am the Goddess of health and healing now.
- Christmas over...
- stabbing pain..I think gallstones are possible.
- I start a blog.
So that's that...It was a good prep year I guess...I made some new friends at work, my health was awful on and off..but it seems on the up and up now. I just have to get rid of this pain in my side.
Realized I have major anxiety disorder....but hey..I'm on less ativan than I was...this is huge...
So you are wondering why my blog is called be the change when it's all about depression, drugs and hermithood?
Well...I AM GOING TO BE THE CHANGE I NEED TO SEE IN MYSELF. I'm yelling at myself..not you :)
So...To Be The Change...I have to do the following:
- not be the wimpy, never stand by my word, lazy, insecure asshole that I normally am.
- I have to actually do what I say I'm going to do.
- I have to stop being scared of people...to do this I must
- stop ripping my skin off my hands
- lose a lot of weight
- start HOT YOGA
- Not miss a class or screw up my diet or screw up my hands.
- Social Life
- Financially sound enjoyable career/job.
- Happiness
- Place to call my own on my own
- Place to call my own with a family or boyfriend?
My new years intentions.....changes.....things I will God Damn do because If I don't than there is not much point in me writing a blog.....ARE:
1. Yoga
2. Lose weight
3. Stop biting fingers
4. Stop taking pills when not needed
I look forward to updating this .... I plan to make this a empowering blog...I will accomplish it all.
A note on how I am feeling now:
agitated and depressed, anxious, fat and insecure. I hate the person I've become, I'm embarrased of the things I do and don't do. I long for the days of old when I was a happy carefree girl who did what she wanted without worrying about a lipase level. I plan to find that girl and make her the best she can be.
By the end of the year I will be doing Hot Yoga once a week at least, I will be 130lbs, and I will be beautiful again. I will be planning on a big trip with a great guy and I will feel spiritually full.
Finally the year I will do this. Do i feel insecure saying this? Yes....but that will change. I will fake it to I make it. I will pretend all this comes natural until it does. I will force myself to take the yoga class and not give up. I will force myself to eat right. I will force myself to not bite my fingers. I will read more and go on facebook less. I will be more social even If i hate it...I will at least try.
This year will finally reap changes. I will stop preaching a bunch of great shit to others about how I am and actually be the CHANGE...I will stop saying I am going to change and just BE IT.
I will also get a tattoo that says Be The Change with a butterfly :)
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